Do you love me? It is The. Fundamental. Human. Question. We ask the question at the relationship's beginning, middle, and end. We ask it of spouses, family, and even God. Often our question is prompted by friction or crisis. During a disagreement, angry words spilled over. We disappointed someone close to us and feared they would ditch us. Insecurity seeps in when we feel like a burden, so we ask for reassurance. In the musical "Fiddler on the Roof," Tevya sings to Golde, "Do you love me?" She thinks it is a silly question,

For twenty-five years, I've washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house
Given you children, milked the cow
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

But Tevya persists and asks her six times before she says, "Yes, I suppose I do." They both sing together at the end,

It doesn't change a thing
But even so
After twenty-five years
It's nice to know

The song came to mind as I thought about Jesus asking Peter three times if he loved him. This scene is the last in John's Gospel. After breakfast of bread and fish on the beach with Jesus, he turns to Peter and asks, "Peter, do you love me?" The question is overshadowed by Peter denying Jesus three times just a few days before. Peter proclaimed, "I will lay down my life for you." Jesus answers, "Peter, you will deny me three times before the cock crows." (John 13:37). You might think Peter should be the one asking, "Jesus, do you still love me after my failure?" Why is Jesus asking Peter? Does Jesus need reassurance, or is the question really for Peter? 

The first time Jesus asks, he says, "Peter, do you love me more than these?" We aren't sure if "these" refers to the other disciples, the fish they caught, or the fishing life in general. Peter could answer the question with a chuckle, "Yes, Lord, you know I love you." Then Jesus asks a second time, and things feel more serious. But the third time Jesus asks, it says Peter is hurt. Peter seems uncomfortable having to answer three times in front of everyone. But it's only fair after denying Jesus three times. Jesus isn't making Peter grovel to make up for his mistake. After each exchange, Jesus says feed my sheep or tend my lambs. He is rehabilitating Peter, not tearing him down. Without speaking honestly about Peter's denial, his guilt and shame will linger. When we pretend things like this don't happen, they become like a festering wound and more toxic and painful. Jesus is acting as the Great Physician performing surgery on Peter's soul. Jesus wants Peter free and whole.

The story is rich and moving just as it is, but the original Greek adds a layer of complexity. Ancient Greek used three words for love which overlap but have different emphases. First, Eros is romantic, passionate, desiring love. Eros isn't just romantic; Plato thought this love was also the source of creativity. Second, philos is the love between friends. This love is mutual and reciprocated. Aristotle believed friendship was one of the highest virtues for health and success in life. Without friends, what is the point of having plenty of things? He described close friendships as one soul dwelling in two bodies. 

Third, agape-love is associated with altruism. Agape is self-giving love, seeking nothing in return.   Plato said this is the highest form of love. Aristotle believed agape was the force that kept the planets and stars ordered correctly in the heavens. Using "unconditional love" in our mission statement is similar to what agape describes. Agape is also how Homer describes the love held by Odyssey's dog Argos, his faithful companion who recognizes him even disguised as a beggar. So, ErosEros relates to your lover, philos is among friends, and agape is from God or your dog. (the same three letters in reverse order!)

The first time Jesus says, "Peter, do you love me?" he uses the word agape. Peter answers, "Yes Lord, I philos-love you." In other words, Peter, do you love me in a self-sacrificial way, expecting nothing in return?" Yes, Lord, I love you as a friend." Jesus asks a second time, Peter, do you agape me? Yes, Lord, I philos you. The third time, Jesus says, "Peter, do you philos-love me?" And Peter answers, "Yes, Lord, I philos-love you." 

One group of biblical scholars thinks the changes don't matter because these words can sometimes be used interchangeably. What if Jeanne asks, "Todd, do you love me?" I answer, "Jeanne, you know you are my friend." If you are dating and are the first to say, "I love you," what happens when the other person says, "You are such a good friend"? Maybe they aren't in the same place with the love you are in.

Another interpretation is that Peter is offering Jesus as much as he can. Since he denied Jesus to save his life, Peter might be cautious about answering with agape love. He said he would die for Jesus at the Last Supper and then denied him three times that night. To respond with agape might seem presumptuous. Peter will not set himself up for failure again by saying more than he can bear. Yet Jesus persists and asks again, "Peter, do you agape me?" Peter is cautious about diving in (and we know Peter usually dives right in!). But he sticks with, "Yes, I philos you." By the third time, it seems that Jesus relents and asks if Peter loves him with philos friendship. This interpretation sees Jesus meeting Peter where he is. If Peter can only offer friendship, then Jesus will take it. It's not an agape or nothing demand. Christ comes alongside Peter and accepts the love Peter offers. It doesn't have to be perfectly self-giving love expressed just as Jesus wants. It is enough that Peter offers his sincere friendship. 

What I like about this interpretation is that I often stand in Peter's sandals. I often fail to love fully and completely. I get tired and distracted and miss opportunities to love. I fear my compassion may not be received and appreciated, so I withhold it. My ego gets in the way. Some people are so aggravating. Jesus talked about loving enemies. I have much work to do in learning to love more fully. I am glad God's love is steadfast, even though my compassion can be erratic. God is not finished with me yet. I don't have to attain a more perfect love to follow Christ. The only way to learn to love is by practicing. 

Now I want to push back just a little on this interpretation. Peter offering Christ friendship-philos-love is not insubstantial. Remember, Aristotle said friendship was a high virtue, that friendship can be one soul in two bodies. At the Last Supper, Jesus washes the disciples' feet and then says, "I do not call you servants any longer because the servant does not know what the master is doing, but I have called you friends. (John 15:15).  

So, Jesus offers philos to the disciples at the Last Supper. Perhaps this guides Peter's response to Jesus. He desires to be restored to friendship with Christ. Was Plato wrong about love, with a hierarchy placing agape clearly at the top? Each expression of love is related to the other. Experiencing and giving one kind of love makes all love grow. In Celtic Christian spirituality, everyone is encouraged to have an "anam cara," a soul friend, who knows us deeply, and whom we can trust with our deepest thoughts and confessions. The art of friendship makes other love like altruistic, self-giving agape possible. 

We can also view this passage through the lens of the Great Commandment. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind, and with all your strength, and love your neighbor as yourself. Agape is used for love both times here, but I think including all kinds of love is valuable. Altruistic agape does not exist without friendships and taking time to build good neighbors. The love of Eros properly understood is also part of learning to love more fully. Each type of love creates more capacity for another. All love is part of a positive feedback loop, that grows the more it is shared.

What if you heard the question from God, “Do you love me?” How do you answer and what can do we learn from this story of Jesus and Peter? From Jesus point of view, I learn the importance of meeting people where they are and coming alongside. This love includes speaking truth. Without honesty, love is blocked. But Jesus also meets Peter where he is. He doesn’t demand a perfect answer, or a love that might not be possible in the moment. From Peter’s answer I see the great value of friendship. When we use the word love we are often talking about spouse of family, but friendship deserves its place.  Peter believes friendship is possible with the Risen Christ. That is a bold belief. Christ accepts this love and channels it. Feed my sheep. If you love me, love what I love. Whether it is agape, philos, or eros, just make sure you love.